August 18, 2011 Opinion
UNDER THE FLAG
It is only Thursday, but the poor souls on the payroll of the Opposition Leader, Tony Abbott, are having a bugger of a week.
First, there was Tuesday's anti-carbon tax rally, at which their leader was due to make an appearance.
Like hapless canine mine-sweepers dispatched to a war zone, they were sent forth to clear the area of offensive signs with which the boss should not be associated.
You can do five years at law school, captain the debating team and spend your summers interning at the Menzies Institute, but nothing really prepares you for the decisions you have to make in this situation.
Is the Julia Gillard drag queen with us or against us? The novelty coffin declaring the ''death of democracy'': wryly funny or just plain lame? Is the sign depicting the Prime Minister as Marie Antoinette something that will play badly on the nightly news?
And why does it feature the Assistant Treasurer, Bill Shorten, in blue silk culottes?
Yesterday things only got worse, when Abbott's ''advancers'', the staff who organise his encounters with ordinary people, told journalists he would appear at The Butcher's Shop in Dickson, a quiet hamlet in Canberra's north.
The press gathered at 10 sharpish, as instructed, and grumbled impatiently in front of the gourmet sausage display as the minutes dragged on. There was no sign of Abbott - had there been some sort of mis-steak?
Eventually one of the Opposition Leader's staff was sent to placate the press, a gobbet of flesh thrown to the lions. The doorstop was off, she said defensively. She could not say why. All would soon be explained.
But to give a throng of journalists such scant detail is like trying to sate a crocodile with a Jatz cracker - it simply won't do.
They snapped and growled, and stormed the butcher's shop to find out the real reason for the cancellation. The staffer, having retreated to a safe position beside the sirloin, told the journalists to rack off.
Meanwhile, Abbott's people hit the phones. They needed to find another butcher's store, and fast. Unique Meats in Fyshwick (slogan: ''Meat you can Eat . . . guaranteed!'') answered the call, and the press pack was re-directed.
Abbott explained that the original venue had been axed because the owners received an ''aggressive phone call'' pertaining to his appearance.
In the background, his staff wiped sweat from pink brows.
At least this week is a short one.
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